Could Introversion Be a Trauma Response?

I no longer consider myself an introvert; my trauma tricked me.

Scenic view of the bluffs with a lonely sightseer. (1850 - 1930) by Samuel Root (alterations by Brady Hill), courtesy of The New York Public Library Digital Collections

I’m going to start by doing something I don’t normally do: offering a disclaimer (two disclaimers actually). The reason being that nuance and personal circumstance are important to the coming message; sweeping assumptions do not suffice for this topic.

Disclaimer One

In order for me to ensure the accuracy of my work, I usually write only from fully formed ideas. My ideas are built over time, like a house, piece by piece I put them together as I discover new information. Which means I have many ideas still under construction, views that remain only partially informed, waiting for the necessary experiences to come along and provide them with the information needed for their completion. There are many of these ideas.

The topic I’m covering today, is an idea that is still under construction. It’s mostly complete, to the point that I feel comfortable talking about it. But, I still want to make it known that it’s incomplete. It’s important to me that you understand this, for clarity’s sake.

Disclaimer Two

The title of this writing carries the assumption that introversion could be a product of trauma. I want to make it clear that I’m not referring to ALL introversion. Some people are genuinely introverted, there is nothing wrong with that; they’re not broken people, that’s not my proposition. The title of this writing points to the proposition that some people’s introversion, like my own, may be the product of trauma. I wish to explore this idea, yet have it known that despite what I’m going to cover in the coming paragraphs, I don’t believe that ALL introversion is a product of trauma, only some of it.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way. Let’s get into it! I’m going to detail some of my experiences as they will help to explain the theory, but also because the journey I took to reach the conclusion, I’m no longer an introvert, is a fascinating one. But first:

The Theory

I’m sure it’s no surprise to say that experiences shape our character. This is the philosophy my argument is based on. Because we’re impressionable creatures, ones that change and adapt to our environment. And unfortunately, living in the world we do, we adapt in ways that may serve a purpose in the moment, yet bring us harm over the long term.

We may alter our behaviour, or even our character, in an attempt to avoid a past harm from reoccurring. A completely logical and even necessary step, depending on the circumstances. However, it’s important to recognise when this kind of behaviour is present in our lives. Because, if no danger is present, and you’re altering your behaviour to avoid harm, that is the very definition of living in fear.

And it’s this constant state of fear, constant state of avoidance, that can harm us, as it drags us away from the path of who we really are. Instead of living the life you want, expressing yourself as you are, you’re spending your time running away from past fears. The very definition of trauma: living through the harms of your past.

I’m proposing that introversion, and equally so extroversion, can be but not always is, a product of trauma. That you as the individual have not only the power to change your character to adapt to your environment, but to also lie to yourself about who you truly are. That you have the ability to deceive yourself into thinking you’re someone you’re not, because you believe that it serves the purpose of protecting you, threats legitimate or not.

I’m going to use my life as the example of how someone can choose to be introverted, not because it’s natural to them, but because they’re running from their past. I’ll also share what the journey of discovering this deception looks like on the individual level.

Someone may choose to be introverted, or equally so extroverted, in an attempt to avoid potential harm from being caused to them, a calculation that is based on traumatic events from their past. The holding onto (lack of processing) of these experiences causes the person to change their behaviour to accommodate their fears, instead of doing what truly feels good to them. This is what I mean by someone can be introverted, or extroverted, because of their trauma.

An obvious example of this is when a man is repeatedly rejected by women to the point that the man decides to withdraw from interacting with them altogether, despite the fact that deep down they still want to. Their past traumatic experiences override their present desires as they change their character to facilitate their trauma.

I want to share my experiences, but more so my journey, because I feel that it could be helpful to anyone in a similar situation to my past self. My own realisations are profound on a personal level, and if I can inform someone else on their situation earlier than they may have discovered it on their own, then I’m a happy man, because it’ll save them a lot of trouble.

In summary, I believe it’s possible that an individual can trick themself into being an introvert, or an extrovert, in an attempt to protect themself from potential harm, a decision that is influenced by experiences from their past. And that with time, this process can be unwound with introspection and a courage towards the unknown; my life being the example of this.

The Chapter That Never Made It

To be honest with you, I had planned to use two chapters to tell my story. One of which is already written, however, you won’t be reading it because I just deleted it. The other day I was listening to a podcast by a famous filmmaker. When asked about his editing process, he gave the answer (and I’m paraphrasing here), “If I don’t care about my work, then why should my audience?” If he doesn’t care about something when editing, then he doesn’t put it in his work. I thought it was important to tell my story, but frankly, I just don’t care. So, I’ve deleted it. The message is all that remains.

I wanted to include this as a little reminder to anyone who has an audience. Your audience is built on what matters to you; if you make something you don’t care about, you can’t expect your audience to care either.

When It All Changed for Me

The thing is, for the longest time, I considered myself an introvert. Weirdly enough, as I get older, I’m not only questioning this belief, but actually fight against it. When I was younger, probably around the time that I first learnt what an introvert was, I made the decision that I was one. I looked at my life, the relationships within it, my social habits, and all kinds of other things, eventually concluding that, yes, I am an introvert.

The thing is, the older I get, the less comfortable I am calling myself an introvert; it annoys me now. I don’t like it because it’s wrong. And the interesting thing is not just that I’ve changed with age, because I have, but that I am coming to the conclusion I might never have been an introvert. That somehow I tricked myself into believing I was someone else, or just got confused during the journey of discovering myself. Regardless, I understand why it happened.

I’m not really sure that I’ve ever been an introvert. See, the confusion begins with the difference between how I actually lived my life, and how I wanted to be living my life.

When I was younger, let’s say around high school age, I only had a small group of friends. I enjoyed spending time with them, but didn't make an effort to meet new people. I was loyal to my circle, but it was a small one. I spoke little over social media, which meant I really only interacted in person. Outside of school and work, mandatory obligations, I didn’t see my friends all that often. Looking in from the outside, I would have been considered an introvert.

Loyal to a small friend group, doesn’t make new friends, keeps to themself, spends a lot of time alone. I know this isn’t right for me now because that’s upsetting to read. It sounds wrong; that’s not a good life in my definition. And what’s funny is that deep down, I’ve known it all this time. The issue is that I just didn’t know what to do about it.

Looking back on things: I loved parties, I loved to be with my friends, and I always wanted to skip work to spend time with them after school. I wanted to make plans, go out for the weekend and have brunch at a cafe with my friends; things we rarely ever did. I was jealous of the people I met at parties, the ones that seemed to have a million friends. Even if they were surface level connections, I couldn’t understand how they had so many. I didn’t want to be alone; I always wanted to hangout with my friends. And it hurt when they got together without me because I knew it would be a while till I next saw them.

I accepted that I was introverted because I didn’t know how to change my situation. I wasn’t an introvert because I genuinely wanted to be; I was an introvert because I didn’t see another way. My classification came by observing the life I lived, but I didn’t stop to ask myself about the life I wanted to live. What felt right inside.

Fortunately, as I’ve gotten older, my social confidence has grown, my self-esteem has grown, I’ve gotten better people around me, and I’ve faced some of my traumas. I’ve come to realise that deep down, I’m not an introvert; I’m not sure I ever wanted to be. But it’s taken a lot of work to come to that conclusion. Because it’s one thing to say it, but it takes time to truly live it. And I’m at the stage in my life where I now feel that I can confidently say I’m not an introvert, even looking at it from the outside.

Interestingly enough, the signs were always there. When I’m cycling, I prefer to ride in built-up areas as opposed to quiet neighbourhoods; when I’m working on my computer, I prefer to be in a busy park in the city as opposed to a quiet bench in the suburbs. If you asked me for the location of my dream home, it would without a doubt be in a city. It feels good to have people around, even if I don’t know them personally. It’s my nightmare to live in a small town in the countryside; it’s just so quiet and lonely out there. People make the world go around, and I want to be a part of that.

I’ve seen with my own eyes the power of having an abundance of connections: the opportunities, the invites, the support, the connection, the collaboration. None of which happens on your own. Being an introvert is not for me.

I think what’s so fascinating about this journey is that it happened slowly. Over the course of years and years I opened up to the idea. It’s something I’ve been actively thinking about for the past year or two, but something that’s been cooking for about the past five. I took a personality test back in January of this year and scored an almost perfect split between introversion and extroversion. Check it out!

My 16Personalities test results

Personality tests are good fun, so if you’re interested, the link is in the caption above (it’s free). I definitely don’t consider myself an extrovert. Although, I imagine I’ll probably continue the trend of moving towards extroversion as the years pass, eventually settling a little further over than I am now. This assumption is based on the trend of the past few years and an intuition that I’m not finished developing this area of my life yet.

Another fun fact, I did a poll on Instagram asking my followers if they were an introvert or an extrovert. The results took me by surprise.

Instagram poll results

85% of people said they were somewhere in the middle!! I fully expected that people would be one or the other. The fact that nearly everyone answered in the middle is crazy to me. I’m shocked, but it makes sense. The majority of people who voted are my friends, or friends of friends, so it makes sense that they’re going to be similar to me in character. It’s an absolutely biased result, but a fascinating one nonetheless.

What Does This Have to Do With You

Well, there is a message in all of this. I want people to be aware of the fact that you have the power to change as a person, and that it’s not really helpful to be committed to the idea that you’re an introvert or an extrovert exclusively.

I have this philosophy that you are who you are, regardless of what you call yourself. Oh how people love to label and diagnose themselves with all kinds of things, fun fact, you’re the same person regardless of what you call yourself.

We don’t always make decisions that are aligned with how we truly feel. Sometimes we call ourselves something, such as an introvert, based on how we act, and not on what we truly desire. And that’s the problem. Because you may meet all the criteria for an introvert, but deep down, if you know you aren’t living the life you want, then I have news for you: you might not be an introvert, or whatever else you like to call yourself.

In my case, it was a combination of my life circumstances and the decisions I made growing up that put me in an introverted state. But it’s not what I truly wanted, it’s not the vision I had in my mind of what a happy and healthy life looked like. And I want to tell people this because I can guarantee I’m not the only one who has faced this situation.

It takes a lot of work to discover who you are, and in some sense, the journey never ends. But it’s important to ask yourself questions about the labels you call yourself. Am I really an introvert? Is that genuinely what I want? Why am I an introvert? Questions that are all aimed at introversion, but could easily be adapted to any other label. Questions like these are important because you never know if there is a better way to live your life. And if you’re happy to assume that the way you’re doing it now is the best way, then power to you, but that’s not a gamble I’m willing to take.

If you don’t take the time to ask yourself questions about who you are and the life you want to live, then you don’t get the answers. People assume they know who they are, but they only know themselves as far as they were willing to ask.

The older I get, the less comfortable I am using these words. Introvert, extrovert, it doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is if you’re living in accordance with what’s right for you.

So, if you use these words to define yourself. Make time to understand why you made your choice. Because it’s important to understand if that classification is a reflection of how you currently live your life, or if it’s a reflection of how you truly desire to be. Because if you aim for where you are now, not where you want to be, you can’t expect to go anywhere. If you’re an introvert who secretly wants a million friends, or an extrovert who secretly wants to be left alone, then you’ve got a problem on your hands.

We aren’t perfect and we certainly don’t classify ourselves accurately. In my case, it was a lack of self knowledge. I tricked myself into thinking I was someone else because I wasn’t ready to face what I truly wanted, and I know that many people will be suffering with this same issue.

Some questions of reflection to finish off.

If I’m an introvert, or an extrovert, or even somewhere in the middle, why? Is this truly what I want? Is the happiest and healthiest version of me more introverted, more extroverted, or right where I am now? What is getting in the way of me moving towards my right amount of social? What even is my right amount of social?

Also! Please consider sharing with whomever you believe might be interested 🔗