The 3 Paths to Friendship
And what it takes to make them work.
If you stop and think about it, friendship is a funny thing. One day you bump into a stranger and before you know it, you know everything about them: where they live, their favourite food, their flaws, and even the things you probably wish you didn’t know. There is no friendship playbook as far as I understand, it’s a gamble two individuals make on the assumption that the other isn’t a complete psycho.
Assuming everything goes well, this once a stranger has suddenly become a member of your extended family. This process is something we all have to go through. There is no friendship without it. Though my issue is not with the process itself, but rather how we as individuals respond to this necessary step in the journey of friendship.
I wasn’t the most social creature growing up, and while I still met plenty of people, I wouldn’t really say that these strangers converted to friends, for no reason other than my own laziness, and maybe also the feeling of misplacement in my community. Regardless, it’s only in recent years (as my social confidence has grown) that I’ve reflected more on the process of making friends. What exactly turns a stranger into a friend? How does this process happen? And, what do we need to pay attention to in order to make sure this process happens as smooth as possible?
With my increasing socialness, I’ve had a better chance to reflect on my past. In doing so, coming to some conclusions about the friend-making process.
From my experience, there are three main ways that a stranger becomes a friend:
Instant connection
Long-term growth
Change of mind
Each of these paths to friendship is different and requires a unique approach. The whole reason I’m writing this is because I was locked into seeing the process of making friends with a singular perspective for a time. I wasn’t giving people the chance because they didn’t fit into my model of how I believed a friendship was formed. I learned with time that my one method didn’t apply to everyone, and that making a friend is a multifaceted endeavour that can go down many twists and turns.
So, to help others avoid making the same mistake, I’m going to detail the different paths to friendship. I don’t see any reason why you can’t substitute the word friendship for relationship if you so wish to do so, however, I’m sticking with the topic of friendship for my writing as it’s more straightforward. Substitute at your own peril.
Instant Connection
This one speaks for itself. Have you ever met someone and just knew that you were going to be friends? Whether it’s the jokes they make or the hobbies they enjoy, something about them is magnetic and you can tell that there is synergy from the beginning.
This is my favourite type of friendship, because you don’t really have to question the connection, you’re friends from the get go. There is two ways this connection can go: either you become best of friends from day one (because the vibes are there), or, the connection might take some time to get off the ground (because both people are too comfortable with the connection and forget to make the time to grow it).
When you’re getting along with someone, it’s easy to feel as if there is already a friendship there, regardless of how much time you have spent together. This feeling of comfort can lead to complacency in the friendship. While it may feel as if you’re already friends, you’re not. You need to spend some time with your new person for it to be a real friendship, even if you’re comfortable around them.
So, if you meet someone who you have an instant connection with, make time for them! Remember, you’re not friends yet, even if it feels like it.
The good news is that these friendships are easy, even if you don’t make time for them, as long as the feeling of instant connection is mutual, the friendship is inevitable. You’ll naturally gravitate to each other.
Instant connections are the candy of the friendship world; an instant sugary fix of friendship as long as you’re together.
Long-Term Growth
Earlier I referred to having a problem forming friends, as I assumed that all friendships come equally. The long-term growth friendships were the ones I was neglecting because I’m a little impulsive. These connections have little to no attraction in the beginning, to me that was a sign to not waste my time; I was wrong.
Some connections are born, and some connections are built; long-term growth friendships need to be built with time and experience. These are the kind of people you might bump into at a party, or have a friend introduce you, then walk away thinking nothing much of the interaction. You may then see them on Instagram, or run into them at an event (briefly saying hello); it’s these slow but repeat experiences that become the starting point for your friendship.
With time you begin to understand this stranger, it’s here that the feeling of friendship begins. There was little instant attraction, but now someone who appeared as just a stranger has slowly become a friend with the passing of time. This is the type of friendship that needs effort. Unless you both make the time to understand the other person, this friendship will go nowhere.
I find it interesting because these can often be the strongest friendships despite their initial lack of connection. The necessary effort required to get the friendship going forces the two individuals to understand each other, potentially at a level of depth that a friendship founded on instant connection may not reach (as it’s not as necessary for them to make the friendship work).
Long-term growth friendships take months if not years to form, often lacking effort from either party in the beginning purely out of disinterest, however, with time they will begin to understand and appreciate each other.
There is no way around the long-term growth. If you don’t make the time, you don’t make the friendship. Don’t discount someone because you don’t feel an instant connection. Sometimes the best friendships are built by overcoming your differences, not by embracing your similarities.
Long-term growth friendships are the four-course meals of the friendship world; it might take forever to cook the damn thing, but you’ll never get the experience if you don’t make the effort.
Change of Mind
These are the rarest friendships in my experience. I actually forgot about this one until I started writing, oops.
Change-of-mind friendships are the people you dislike when you first meet, or maybe even for a while after, but then you eventually come around and decide to be friends with them at a later date.
There are any number of reasons why this might happen, but I’ll give an example.
Let’s say you meet a friend of a friend and on this first experience, they say something that you wholeheartedly disagree with. Your initial interaction is going to be a negative one. You’ll probably hold on to this first impression until it gets proven otherwise; sometimes it does, other times it doesn’t.
Either way, there are many reasons why we may come to dislike someone, or just simply not see them as a friend. However, life is never so black and white, impressions can be changed, unlikely friendships can be formed.
I wouldn’t go so far as to say that if you don’t want to be friends with someone that you should reconsider, everyone has their reasons. But what I would say is, at least be open to the idea that things can change because sometimes friendships start off on the wrong foot.
I won’t mention exactly who, but a famous YouTuber’s wife once told the story of how the couple met, and it’s less than gracious. She said that she didn't like him at first and repeatedly turned down his advances, only to then change her mind. They’re now married with kids.
I think this is a fantastic example of how people change and that initial impressions are not the end of the story for some friendships. Life is complicated and just because you don’t get along with someone doesn’t mean there is no friendship there. Sometimes the friendship just needs a little help getting started.
Change-of-mind friendships are the beer of the friendship world; nobody likes their first sip but that doesn’t mean you won’t come back for more.
In Summary
Every friendship is unique, which is important to remember. Just because I outlined a few types of friendship does not mean that you’ll have the same experiences as me.
My intention is only to bring to your awareness that there are different paths to friendship, and that it helps to be open-minded with regard to the people you meet. You never know who might be your new bestie (unless it’s an instant connection, then you’ll definitely know).
As simple as it can seem sometimes, getting two complete strangers to share lives isn’t always smooth going. I’ve neglected that fact by assuming that if things aren’t going well from the beginning, that there is no friendship to be made. But, I’ve since realised that some of my best friendships have come from people that I had little to no attraction to the first time I met them. Given my spontaneous nature, I’ve always found instant connections to be the most natural, as they favour my impulsive behaviour. However, as I’m getting older, I see the value in giving other people a chance too. I can now better imagine myself being friends with people I have little attraction to. Something that has only come with age and experience.
So, if I could only offer a single message, it would be:
Never force a friendship, but just because you don’t feel the connection straight away doesn’t mean there isn’t one there. Sometimes a friendship needs a little blood, sweat and tears to get it going.
Also! Please consider sharing with whomever you believe might be interested 🔗